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Health & Fitness

The Great American Pickle Crisis

Portillo's customers find themselves in a pickle over a pickle shortage.

As we headed out for our usual Friday evening soiree at Portillo’s, little did we know that we were going to become personally involved in the ongoing pickle crisis. When we arrived at the cash register, Dorothy pointed out a sign announcing an “extreme pickle shortage” for the early part of May due to late crops. No stranger to shortages of the pickle variety myself, I could sympathize with Portillo’s predicament, but I had my reservations.

The shortage was so severe that the sign warned that Portillo’s might be forced to remove the pickles from some of their sandwiches. I could imagine the anger and resentment this might cause, knowing how attached to their pickles some customers could be. Like gun owners, pickle patriots might insist that the only way Portillo’s would get their pickles from them would be to pry them from their cold, dead hands. I’m sure the National Relish Association is prepared to take on Portillo’s if the crisis continues much longer, and believe me, Portillo’s does not want to be in the NRA’s sights. The NRA knows all of the tricks that are used to try and get people to surrender their pickles.

For the time being though, Portillo’s was merely asking customers to notify their server if they did not want to have pickles on their sandwiches in order to prevent waste. This logic may work on liberal sissies who are only too willing to give up their pickle rights, but a real American is not going to fall for these kinds of tricks or to give up his pickle without a fight. Fortunately, it didn’t come down to that this time, but you could tell people were on edge over the situation.

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In the parking lot, people were cutting each other off, apparently in a hurry to escape with the pickles they had ordered just in case Portillo’s changed its mind. As we were leaving, there was a Mexican standoff of sorts, as one car was trying to leave, and an SUV was blocking its way while the drivers exchanged angry words. The pickle crisis was definitely getting on people’s nerves and we were glad to get out of there before the situation escalated any further.

There are people who foolishly believe that as a society, we can survive without pickles. They don’t really care about the rights of pickle enthusiasts.  After all there are other condiments. But once they take our pickles away, what’s to prevent them from going after the mustard or the ketchup? Where does it end?

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I plan on hunkering down in the basement with my supply of Kosher dills, garlic spears, and other assorted pickles until this so-called “shortage” is over. If Portillo’s comes for me or my pickles, I don’t plan on going quietly. If they show up at my door they better plan on facing the business end of a Sweet Baby Gherkin.

 

 

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