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Health & Fitness

Mulch Madness

'Tis the season when we ponder that perennial puzzle of how mulch is too mulch. Hint – don't look for any expert help here.

It’s been a few years since we put in new mulch. So we figured it was about time to do it again. I’ve never really figured out the science behind deciding which mulch is best, so I try to pick a color that isn’t too putrid and a blend that doesn’t have any large furniture pieces in it. I think the last batch we had delivered had enough lumber to build a small shed and a playground set.

Unlike the serious mulch connoisseur I don’t make the rounds to sample various blends of mulch to see which has the best texture, aroma, and taste. I don’t take tours of the production facilities and ask about the granularity of the screens used in the grinding process or whether magnets are used to remove metal bits during the final processing. My research is pretty much limited to how much does it cost and when can I get it delivered.

This year I started out by pacing out the areas we planned to mulch and sitting down with pencil and paper to calculate the number of cubic yards we needed based on the dimensions of the various areas. I showed Dorothy the paper on which I had done some very impressive grade school math to come up with the total number of yards we would need to complete the job. I’m sure that she sensed she was in the presence of a mulch guru and was too much in awe to speak.

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Then we went to look at the web site of a mulch provider that had been recommended to us, and they had a mulch calculator that pretty much rendered my math labors pointless. Dorothy gave me one of those “you idiot” looks and I knew my mulch guru status was in jeopardy. I consoled myself with the fact that the calculator results were pretty close to my paper and pencil results.

We finally decided on a place that we had driven by a number of times in the past. They offered a coffee-colored, triple-processed hardwood premium blend at a reasonable price. They also had free delivery and we could get it in time for the weekend. Of course, a mulch guru never asks what triple-processed means. So I took their word that this was much better than the double-processed blends offered by other places. For all I know, triple-processed could mean they passed a yard rake through it three times rather than ground it three times. I just wanted to make sure it didn’t still have tree limbs in it because these are hard to spread with a rake and just don’t look that good around the bushes.

Ten yards of mulch didn’t sound like a lot when we ordered it. But when it arrived and was dumped on the driveway my heart sank. That was a lot of mulch. I pictured us slaving away under the hot sun for months hauling wheelbarrow after wheelbarrow of mulch, slowly building huge mulch pyramids like slaves in ancient Egypt, while onerous slave scene music from some Biblical epic played in the background accompanied by the cracking of overseer whips. Perhaps they’d find our bleached bones someday in the back yard under a wheelbarrow where we died of heat exhaustion and thirst. It was then that I realized I needed help and probably some help with the mulch too. So we called our son.

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Brian grew up here and he’s used to mulch madness. But he brought his girlfriend, who thought we were just going to be spreading a few bags of mulch like they do in their city gardens. No big deal. Ha. Seeing the huge mound of mulch in the driveway was a bit of culture shock for her. Yes, life in the ‘burbs is far different from the big city. We’re practically farmers out here while the nearest some city folk come to the soil is a whole foods store.

We managed to get most of the mulch down with Brian’s help and over the next few days Dorothy and I finished the job. We vowed that next time we would hire someone to do it, but I think we made that same vow last time. You forget between mulching seasons how hard it is and how old you are. I suppose that we should be grateful that we finally got a couple of warm days to get the job done, considering how lousy spring has been so far. I’m just thankful that it’s over for now.

I’m sure that at some point in the future they’ll bring a high tech solution to mulching. Maybe Brian will one day use his smart phone to send a Google Earth satellite picture of his house and yard to a web site where his yard will be analyzed to determine how much mulch he needs. The mulch will then be delivered by a local provider who will spot drop it where he needs it using hovercraft. Then Brian can spend the extra time he’ll have explaining to his kids how their grandparents worked with mulch in primitive times. And the days of the "mulch guru" will be just another fond memory. 

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