Enough With the 'It's My Wonderful Life' Christmas Letters

I’m sure that if it were up to guys there would not be a single Christmas card sent and the card industry would be virtually non-existent. Fortunately, for Hallmark and the other greeting card manufacturers, women carry on the tradition that was begun by men in 1843, purely for profit and not because of any sentimentality. Sending Christmas cards is not only time-consuming, but it requires some creative thought on the part of the sender if he/she wishes to include a unique, personal note on each card. That’s why most people give up the idea and eventually just sign the cards, address the envelope, and get the card in the mail as quickly as possible so they can move on to the next item on the seemingly inexhaustible Christmas to-do list.

But there are some women to whom the Christmas card list is not some daunting task. It is instead a great opportunity to publish and distribute yet another chapter of It’s My Wonderful Life. Whether you’re a lifelong friend, a casual acquaintance, or a disinterested stranger unfortunate enough to wind up on their Christmas mailing list, you will be treated to a treatise on all of the exciting and wonderful events that have occurred in the life of this woman and her impossibly perfect family over the past year. I don’t know if the people who write these letters want to make you feel miserable about your own comparatively wretched existence or not. That’s probably just a fringe benefit.

If you’ve never been a recipient of one of these encyclicals, let me give you an idea of what you’re missing:

Dear Friends,

It’s been another exciting year for the Hartford family. Most of you know that we normally take the family skiing in the Alps between Christmas and New Year. But Abby, our youngest, and her husband Brad, the brilliant and very successful, wealthy Washington attorney, just had their first child the day after Thanksgiving. Brad and Abby were in the Hamptons celebrating with Brad’s parents when Abby’s water broke a week before her due date. Fortunately, Abby’s obstetrician was also vacationing close by and was able to perform the delivery at the local hospital.

Everything went smoothly and Abby was only in labor an hour. She gave birth to a beautiful 8-pound, 3 ounce baby girl. Our new granddaughter, Charlotte, is named after her great grandmother, and is as gorgeous as her mother. She was born with a full head of beautiful, blond curls, big blue eyes, and a captivating smile. We’re so proud, in case you couldn’t tell. Brad and Abby want to spend the holidays at home with the new baby in their lovely home in Georgetown. So they won’t be skiing with us this year.

My husband, Fred, the investment banker, had another successful year. He was so excited that he couldn’t wait to give me my Christmas present—a beautiful, silver Bentley GTC convertible! And I thought he couldn’t top the lovely and very expensive diamond necklace he gave me for our anniversary. We’re having the car shipped to the Florida vacation home in February so I can try driving it with the top down before spring. I can hardly wait.

Jeff, our third child, was promoted to Chief of Surgery at Roanoke General. He’s the youngest Chief of Surgery they’ve ever had. Jeff and his wife Melinda are very excited about the promotion. Now they can buy the $3 million home on the river that they’ve had their eye on. Melinda is so excited about being closer to the private school Jeff Jr. attends. And the home comes with a membership in the country club.

Our oldest son James has a movie deal on his first book. People say he was lucky to have his book recommended by Oprah, but then he’s always been a wonderful writer in my mind. I don’t think the university realized what a talent he is. I’m sure he’s going to wind up as department head after this. That is, unless Hollywood gets its clutches in him.

Finally, our second eldest, Mark, is mulling over all of the research grants and jobs he’s been offered since winning the Nobel Prize in Physics last year. There are so many wonderful opportunities coming his way. He wants to make sure that he makes the right decision, though. He’s always been so serious. Whatever he decides, I’m sure it will be the perfect choice.

I hope all of you have had as wonderful a year as we have and we wish you the happiest of holiday seasons.

Marion and Fred Hartford

Do yourself a favor and just throw these letters out without reading them. I usually do. Most of them are from people I barely know. Your friends and family don’t need to send you a long letter every year telling you how wonderful their life is. Because you already know how they’re doing and they know how you’re doing. And more importantly, you both really care.