I'm shocked—shocked!—to see that there's an election going on here.
So, apparently, were about 80 percent of registered voters. Turnout was awful Tuesday, particularly for a primary with a presidential ballot, but what are you going to do?
Here's what I'm going to do: Write five quick, snarky comments and then go on to other work. No need for a drum roll. The top five surprises from Tuesday are:
(1) Klinkhamer's "anti-campaign" win!
Easily the most amusing aspect of Tuesday night. Here's a woman who actually did no campaigning, put out no signs and won by a healthy margin. She had a little help in that her opponent had built up a reputation as a controversial and combative Carpentersville mayor. If Klinkhamer employs the same tactics and beats Chris Lauzen in November, we will have found the election-strategy equivalent of the potato burrito. (Inside Patch joke here. No need to chuckle.)
(2) Oberweis might get into office!
Considering the fact that GOP candidates often win in the general elections in these parts, it's looking good for diary magnate Jim Oberweis, who over the years has run failed campaigns for U.S. Senate, sought and lost the Republican nomination for governor, and won the primary but dropped the 14th District congressional race to Bill Foster. (Take breath here.)
He faces St. Charles resident Corinne Pierog in the November election for 25th District state senate.
Makes you think maybe Jim should have started a little lower on the totem to begin with.
(3) Romney wins early, often!
OK, apparently nobody was surprised by Mitt Romney's easy Illinois victory. Fox News was so un-surprised, in fact, that they predicted the victory while Romney was still in his mother's womb. That's how early they're calling races nowadays.
(4) CSI tops Quincy!
We're blaming Jack Klugman for Bob Tiballi's narrow loss in the race for Kane County coroner. Perhaps it should be no surprise at all that Crime Scenes Investigations candidate Bob Russell, a sergeant in the DuPage Sheriff's Office, defeated the doctor on Tuesday night, considering the ubiquity of the CSI television series. For our fuzzy-cheeked, Electronic Age readers, Quincy was the popular TV show starring Klugman that ran from 1976-83, back in the days when we had these things called "network TV" an "newspapers."
(5) I'm still awake!
I had a hard time finding five surprises in the Tuesday election results. Probably I should mention that newcomer Susan Starrett of North Aurora beat two-term incumbent Thomas Van Cleave of Batavia in the newly refashioned Kane County Board District 10. This was a surprising turn because ... zzzzzzzzzzz. Sorry, nodded off there for a second. I'm getting too old to stay up on election night.
I started this column with a veiled reference to Casablanca, so I'll complete the arch with a non sequitur quote from Captain Renault, who I believe is my new Republican precinct committeeman, following the announcement of his Tuesday night surprise victory.
"Your winnings, sir."
"Oh, thank you very much. Everybody out at once!"