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Health & Fitness

Inside-Out Sports: Do's and Don'ts for the Parents of Young Athletes—Part I

Being the parent of a young athlete is a lot of fun. It is also a great opportunity to build confidence and develop character in our children that will serve them well on and off the playing fields.

I’ve been a sports fan my entire life. Watching sports was a passion as a child, a teen and young adult. Then something really wonderful happened. I became a dad and a whole new chapter of sport fandom began. I started cheering for teams with names like Skittles and . We watched soccer games that looked like mosh pits. We cheered for kids as they turned a 2-foot hit off the batting “T” into an inside the park homerun … every time! Maybe you’ve been there. It’s pretty awesome.

The evolution continues. Our kids get older. Their skills improve. The competition improves. Games start looking more like real games. The coaching and the commitments become more intense. This is a period when sports often become more important to children. 

Developmentally, as kids head toward adolescences they start thinking differently and their emotions become more intense. This is a very important time for us as sports parents because it is our job, first and foremost, to make sure our kids continue having fun. It is also a point when we can help them develop a good mental foundation for success. It is a time to build a confidence that comes from things they can control and duplicate, like playing hard every time (a “process” goal), rather than things that they cannot, like scoring a goal (an “outcome” goal).

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If you’ve been to enough youth sporting events, then you’ve seen some pretty outrageous behaviors from parents. To be honest I’m sure there have been times when I’ve let my emotions lead to actions that I wish I could reel back in like a bad cast. I believe we all want what’s best for our kids and even in our darker moments it is never the intention to hurt or embarrass our child. However, hurt we do sometimes—feelings, confidence, focus and, worst of all, pleasure. It is for this reason that I, as a flawed parent of two young athletes and sports psychologist, humbly offer the following “Do’s and Don’ts” for parents of young athletes.

Don’t focus too much on scoring goals, getting hits or winning. These are great accomplishments to be celebrated for sure, but they are outcome goals kids can’t control. They may play a great game, but lose and not score. Excessive anxiety comes from worrying too much about things that are beyond athletes control and this can be conveyed to kids by the way we talk to them before and after games. 

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Do focus on things that are within your young athlete’s control—things that are generally repeatable with effort. These are process goals. It’s a great idea to first ask, “Did you have fun?” Then, comment on their process—things you noticed that they did that they can control. For example, “I saw that you played hard every time you were in the game.” Or, “I really liked how aggressive you were today.” Or, “You seemed very focused when you were batting.” This provides confidence boosting input on things that can be consistently duplicated (e.g., playing hard). When kids focus on their process goals, outcome goals (e.g., wins, hits, goals, etc.) will come often enough.

Don’t let your young athlete get stuck ruminating about mistakes or poor performance.  This can rob them of the enjoyment that should come naturally from simply competing and participating. It can also begin the slow erosion of their confidence and lead to excessive anxiety that becomes an obstacle to performing well, and can cause children to avoid taking risks.

Do remind your young athletes that mistakes are part of competing and are, in fact, built into sports—errors, fouls, penalties, etc. Encourage them to accept that they will make mistakes and set a goal with them to work on handling these set backs, not to avoid them. Point out examples of players they admire when they make their inevitable mistakes (e.g., a turnover by a star basketball player). Talk with them about how they didn’t get down on themselves and remained focused on the next play. When they themselves handle a mistake or poor performance well, make sure they see that you are as proud of that as you are of a goal or hit. This will help them play through mistakes as opposed to fearing them.

I’ll have more “Do’s and Don’ts” next post. If you have questions or topics you would like me to address please email me at drpete@mindseyesports.com .

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