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The Human Face That Goes With Nicole Wiesner

We need to understand how difficult it is for families and the courts to deal with those who repeatedly make bad choices about substance use.

Before the story ran, Rick asked me which photo I would choose to go with the article about 20-year-old Geneva resident Nicole Wiesner’s recent arrest for aggravated DUI: her mug shot or a file photo of the crash.

I said the mug shot.

In my mind, a decision to run the head-and-shoulder shot had nothing to do with making the young woman more sympathetic or whether it might embarrass the young woman or her family. I said I'd go with the mug shots because those photos would remind readers that, despite her exceedingly poor judgment, there’s a real human being behind this sad series of events.

To recap, Geneva police arrested Wiesner for that seriously injured passenger, Lindsey Vanderheyden, 22, of Batavia. Vanderheyden told police that Wiesner had fallen asleep at the wheel before running a stop sign and hitting a series of trees at North Bennett and Dodson streets.

Eleven days later, off of North Kirk Road. She told police she was fixing her shoe when the vehicle left the roadway and was ticketed for driving on a suspended license.

After a Kane County judge issued for the May 4 crash, Wiesner turned herself in and was released after posting 10 percent of the $5,000 bond. She will return to court on Aug. 9.

As I read the inevitable and somewhat heated Patch commentary, I once again realized how dysfunctional we are when it comes to dealing with addiction.

It started with a family member or close friend’s misguided attempt to ward off the inevitable negative comments. That worked about as well as waving the red flag in front of the angry bull.

I’m not sure I would’ve used the term “messed up” when describing Nicole’s driving track record, either. When most of us “mess up”—and we all do—it typically doesn’t rise to the level of a felony.

But while I certainly understand some collective reader anger over what appears to be a certain level of enabling, it troubles me that so many ostensibly Christian folk can so easily dismiss a troubled 20-year-old.

As some not-so-eloquent readers pointed out, it’s in our best interest to keep this young woman off the road, but as others also noted, those who drive under the influence don’t always consider logic when making their next move.

Remember, all a suspended license really means is you’ll get in more trouble if you get caught driving.

Sure, the family has a responsibility not to put the car keys in her hand, but you cannot force a 20-year-old to seek help. So you’re left with two options. Either you engage in the delicate dance to guide them into treatment, or you kick them out of the house in the hope that hitting rock bottom will finally wake them up.

That’s a lot like having to choose between Scylla and Charybdis because the journey to those depths can be a long one, fraught with perils like unconscious enabling and friends who are ready, willing and able to abet that behavior.

An intervention? It could work. But more often than not it won’t.

Can, as some readers suggested, sitting in a jail cell be the catalyst for hitting the necessary low? Possibly. But I could fill the rest of this column with recidivism rate studies that would curl your toenails.

Using the threat of jail to get the offender to accept the idea of treatment isn’t a bad idea, but even that has its limitations. Treatment only works if you’re ready for treatment, or if you realize there's a pattern of behavior that requires change. Admitting that some substance has that kind of power over you is always a difficult step.

So the answer is, there is no good answer. The family can only do so much, the courts can only go so far, and a jail sentence just pushes the problem down the road. The treatment option, which is far from a sure thing, is the only reasonable alternative.

The bottom line is this. We, the people of this free society, by the laws our duly appointed representatives have passed, understand and willingly assume the risk of giving people like Nicole Wiesner the opportunity to get better.

That doesn’t mean there won’t be serious consequences, but we’re not in the practice of locking folks up and throwing away the key. As the Good Book taught us, at least at first, we need to err on the side of redemption.

So our best bet is to avoid the knee-jerk condemnations which only make a difficult situation worse. Instead, let’s add our prayers and reasonable, but firm support to the family and the courts as they do their best to make the best thing happen.

Pam Jarke July 25, 2012 at 05:21 PM
as nicole's mother, i am hesitant to comment. first and foremost nikki is extremely sorry for the harm that was done to lindsey in the accident and so is our entire family. a month after this accident nikki tried to commit suicide and spent four days at delnor and another five at alexian brothers. NO....i am not looking for any sympathy here, but people who have no idea about addiction should not be so quick to judge. the last five years my daughter has been in four rehabs, tried to kill herself three times. she has looked for help, but until she is ready to admit her problems, no one can help her. i have not enabled her, i have kicked her out of the house, ive had her arrested from my home, i have waited for that phone call in the middle of the night, many calls have came. ive have repeatedly talked to nikki about her actions and one day their will be consequences to pay, that is where we are know. please, once again as a family that is as close as ours is this has been very difficult, as nikki being my daughter i have felt so much pain for lindseys family. i am in no way defending my daughter , but as a parent, you will always try to help your children,believe me , i have tried. nikki is truly sorry for her actions, im hoping she is finally at a place in her life where she is ready to receive help. our love and prayers go out to lindsey and her family..
Pam Jarke July 25, 2012 at 05:29 PM
i do not feel the need to answer to everyone on the patch, with their comments...that is not what i am doing here...it is easy to judge when u dont know all the facts, believe im living it with nikki, i know the facts and its hard for me to grasp. the story is the human face of nicole wiesner..so the thing that i wrote are actually the truth about the face.. it also doesnt say that besides have an addcition problem, nikki is kind and caring, there are times at twenty years old she still sits in my lap. and i think , wow, she is still my baby, when not under the influence my daughter is the daughter i had, before addiction... i want her back
Jeff Ward July 25, 2012 at 06:09 PM
Dear Pam, My heart goes out to you. My family was defined by addiction so my point in writing this piece was to describe an utterly emotional dynamic as unemotionally as I possibly could. It's so hard to describe the process to someone who hasn't been through it. How do you describe that utterly helpless and hopeless feeling? I know how difficult it must have been for you to put your feelings out there. I have a great deal of respect for your emotional bravery and your perseverance with your daughter problem. We all want nothing more than for you to have your daughter back. Jeff
BCRKB July 25, 2012 at 08:13 PM
Pam..Pay no mind to the ugly, harsh and judgemental remaks made about Nicole.You will have your Nicole back, the Nicole that we know and love. I am sure she is ready to get the help that she needs and applies all what she will learn. Then she can start her life anew. My heart goes out to you and Nicole and the rest of our family. Hang in there Nicole. We are praying for you.
BCRKB July 25, 2012 at 08:16 PM
Thank you Jeff for the article you wrote and your message to Pam.
Jeff Ward July 25, 2012 at 08:21 PM
Dear BC, You're Welcome! Though I wish many Christians were, well... much more Christian. It's hard for someone who hasn't had to face down something like this to truly understand it. How can alcohol or a drug wield that kind of power over a person? I'm grateful I've avoided the family curse, but my heart goes out to anyone that has to deal with this kind of thing. It is not easy. Jeff
Colin C. July 26, 2012 at 12:35 AM
Pam, I commented on an earlier article that drew some inappropriate criticism of your family from people who obviously don't understand what you are going through. I won't repeat that here but I do want to tell you that recovery is possible. I've worked with many young people who have recovered and are doing well in life. Recovery is hard; it requires every bit of effort that one can give and sometimes a bit more. I hope and pray that your daughter can do that. In the meantime I hope that you and the rest of your family are getting help for yourselves. You don't have to do this alone. Al Anon is for family and friends of anyone suffering addiction. <http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/> will direct you to local meetings if you have not already done that. There are several community counseling agencies that can help and charge on a sliding scale according to your ability to pay. Since you mention that your daughter has been in rehab I would guess that you already know all of this but if not it's never too late to begin. And again, I wish you and your daughter the best. I was told the first day that I started recovering that it would be up to me and if I was successful that things would happen in my sober life beyond my wildest dreams. That was a very long time ago and it was an understatement. May you all have the same kind of experience.
Kev July 26, 2012 at 02:17 AM
Pam and Nikki - I wish you the best. There but for the grace of God... I hope the 'powers that be' at Patch can find it in their hearts to leave you alone as you work through this.
BCRKB July 26, 2012 at 03:25 AM
Jef, Colin and Kev...Thank you for the kind messages you have left for Pam. I hope and believe it will encourage her as this has not been an easy thing for her to go through and very problematical, yet she gets up in the morning and goes to work, putting on a smiling face for her customers all the while the nucleous of her very being is torn apart...so I do appreciate messages such as these to lift her spirits...BCRKB
Mary July 27, 2012 at 04:21 PM
I see the calls of 'hang her high' have turned to hopium for redemption. That's fine. Now earn it. And in the meantime, keep this person off the roads and society safe from her 'torn nucleus".
Max August 13, 2012 at 04:30 PM
I do wonder how she kept getting access to vehicles, one after another. Apparently _someone_ was enabling. There ought to be consequences for someone who provides an individual prohibited from driving with access to a vehicle. Is that being pursued?
Brittany Flower January 16, 2013 at 05:24 AM
This girl is NOTHING but trouble I was in treatment with her years ago. She has had chances too many. I do not want her on the road with my family nor should you. She disregards chances and clearly has not taken her privileges as a driver serious. Take a way the license take it away for good.
Brittany Flower January 16, 2013 at 05:28 AM
Pam, I personally know your daughter and she sickens me. If you knew the way she spoke.... I myself am recovering and have 3 years clean and sober. You know what worked for me, my parents kicked me out and didn't give me a dollar and I figured it out. I had everything up against me but I am doing great today. NONE of her friends are good people and she is a lying reckless whore who fucks anyone and there father. Seriously, you should teach her how to be a lady.

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