Best of Jeff Ward: Straight Poop on a Geneva Scourge

• Editor's note: Jeff Ward is taking the week off. [OK, I will continue after the din of thunderous applause dies down. There. Now, as I was saying ... ] In the heartbreak of Jeff's absence, we're re-running a few of his oldies but hyperboles. There'syet in Geneva, but there might be one of these days. So here's a little ditty previously published March 21, 2011, after we had A LOT of snow ... and other stuff.

Geez! Maybe all that snow melting so quickly wasn’t such a good thing after all. I may no longer be slipping in streets and subsequently teaching middle schoolers the more interesting aspects of the English language, but as reader Sandy Klimowski noted on my very first Patch column, our retreating February glacier left us with mountains of manure!

Well, she may not have put it quite that way, but she did say, “I have a neighbor whose dog did his duty all over the snow on the SIDEWALK. Piles and piles of it. Have they cleaned that up? NO WAY. I'd rather have the snow than that.” More-prophetic words have never been written!

With my sincerest apologies to Dr. Suess! I have seen it in the park. I can smell it in the dark. It’s on the biking path, incurring every walker’s wrath. It’s on the sidewalk near Klimowskis', so pick up that stuff now, please! (Didn’t think I could come up with a rhyme for Klimowski did you!)

As I gaze upon the fields of Fisher Farms winter feces, I can’t help but think this is one of those rare occasions where I’d actually like that “we’re a cut above the rest” Geneva mentality to come shining through. If you can pick up your Shih Tzu, then you can pick up your Shih Tzu’s you-know-what. But no! There’s even piles of poop on Heartland Elementary School’s front sidewalk, just so some unfortunate first-grader can track it through the entire school.

Since Geneva has yet to adopt a motto, I’m thinking we could go with something along the lines of “First City of Fox Valley Fertilizer” which, with our fair city being the county seat, has the added benefit of also applying to some of our finer local politicians.

Ah! But unlike snow shoveling, we do have a handy ordinance making it mandatory for dog owners to do away with their doggie’s droppings. If the sign in Kay Lovett Park is an accurate indication, each violation can run you half a yard ($500). I’m officially encouraging astute and observant readers to start ratting out irresponsible and pet owners.

While I certainly consider red light cameras to be just another municipal pocket-picking scam, I’d love to see the city of Geneva make an effort to close any budget gap on the backs of lazy dog owners—$500 a pop adds up pretty quickly!

As if this doggie doo doo scourge wasn’t bad enough, with our recent spate of  balmy spring weather, I’ve broken my indoor running bonds in favor of St. Charles’ Great Western Trail. And there’s horse manure everywhere! If there isn’t already a statute covering this kind of stuff, there certainly should be, because one skinny horse creates far more collateral damage than one well-fed Great Dane.

If I have to clean up after my darn dog, then you need to pick up after your poopy pony. Well, either that or you should be forced to adorn him with one of those strategically placed hiney bags. Most of us visit the GWT to run or mountain bike, not to have to endure an equine manure obstacle course. Just for good measure, I’m gonna start leaving rubber snakes along the trail. That’ll teach 'em.

So, as you might have already surmised, I’m standing firmly behind Ms. Klimowski if for no other reason than that means she’ll step in any doggie sidewalk poop well before I do. Who said chivalry was dead!