Put the Fried Twinkie Down, and No One Gets Hurt

“What the heck is he eating?” my wife quizzically questioned me as we waded through of his various Swedish Days endeavors.

“I don’t know,” I replied while squinting really hard at the picture and fearing the worst. “It looks like some sort of something on a stick, and that’s never a good sign!”

I suppose I could’ve read the adjoining text to find out what it was, but, at 53, I’ve come to learn that some things in life are better left a mystery. Does anyone really want to know how Newt Gingrich actually conned three women into marrying him?

But as Rick and I discussed other topics later that week, despite the fact that I clearly knew better, curiosity got the better of me, and I asked, “Rick! What the heck was that thing on a stick you were eating in your ?”

Even I was not prepared for the answer, “A fried Twinkie,” he exclaimed!

As you well know and frequently lament, there are very few things on this planet that can render me utterly speechless, but the mere existence of a contrivance called a "fried Twinkie" did just that.

So let me get this straight. You take an artificial food with absolutely no nutritional value, a “food” with 37 separate ingredients that include sugar, corn syrup, high fructose corn syrup, shortening and beef fat just in the top 10, dip it in hot oil and then top it off with an unhealthy sprinkling of confectioner’s sugar?

My arteries just got harder from simply writing that paragraph.

Now, if anyone on this planet should be given dispensation for consuming something this contemptible, it’s Rick, who’s thin as a rail. But a fried Twinkie? Like it was when physicists discovered black holes, it took me days to mentally recover from the notion something that heinous actually existed.

But as I searched the Net for the caloric content of a friend Twinkie (420), I discovered it wasn’t nearly the only festival food whose mere mention could curl your toenails and that our ridiculous repast was actually at the bottom of the fattening list!

Fried Snickers, a state fair staple, comes is at 444 calories. A Twinkie dog sundae (I don’t wanna know) comes in at 500, it’s 600 for fried macaroni and cheese, and a slice of fried cheesecake contains 655 calories.

How about fried Pepsi? I ain’t makin’ it up. You take batter mixed up with the ubiquitous soft drink, deep fry it, and then top it with cola syrup and sugar. That particular delicacy is good for a quick 830 calories.

But the king of fattening fried festival foods has to be something they served at the 2011 Iowa State Fair. I know it sounds redundant, but how about this one; deep fried butter?

You take a stick of butter, put it on a stick, dip it in a cinnamon honey batter, toss it in the deep fryer, and coat it with a sugary glaze. For just $4, you can have a heart attack on the spot. It might even be more fun than the rides.

Believe it or not, cotton candy or spun sugar, the sight of which makes my teeth immediately retreat into my gums, is the healthiest of the lot, coming in at only 170 calories.

The thing is, if you ate just one of these abominations, like Rick did, you’d probably be OK. But most fair-going folks love to graze their way through the entire proceeding and, before they know it, it adds up to thousand of calories and a totally terrified bathroom scale.

Last year’s Minnesota State Fair boasted 54 separate varieties of non-traditionally deep fried foods. We may not be No. 1 in math or science, but is there any doubt as to why we’re the fattest nation on the face of the Earth?

And this is only the onset. Since Swedish Days marks the formal start of the summer festival season, I thought I’d pass along these Web MD fair food suggestions:

1. Don’t arrive hungry. Do I really need to explain this one?

2. Go early in the morning when you’re less likely to be enticed by fried foods.

3. Drink plenty of water.

4. Ask for an extra plate and share your fried Twinkie.

Or how about this one? Exercise some self-control and avoid festival food completely.

So while I’m gonna make an exception for Rick, I’m going to go Michelle Obama on the rest of your ample butts and forbid any of you from ever eating a fried Twinkie or anything else at a summer festival.

You’re welcome!