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Jeff Ward: How to Scare Your Boyfriend Without Using a Shotgun

I may be a gender traitor, but I don't want to get shot, either!

Every now and then, the magnitude of an event in one of our 22 happy Friday Patch suburbs makes me sit up and take notice. And let me tell you, when the fine folks in Downers Grove set out to pique my interest, they go all in.

Let’s just say, were I an inhabitant of that fine municipality and my wife, girlfriend, or maybe even my sister, asked me to do the dishes, people would say they’d never seen an old guy move that fast. I’d be practicing my best “yes dears” 24/7.

, 43, currently faces charges of aggravated domestic battery and aggravated battery with a firearm and may ultimately be charged with attempted murder. DuPage County Judge Elizabeth Sexton set her bail at $1 million.

If she does manage to post bond, Podruzek is barred from having any contact with her victim, which, when you consider the following series of events, I don’t think will be much of a problem.

Apparently dismayed by her boyfriend’s inability to clean a dirty dish, our enterprising Downers Grovian decided to put an exclamation mark on her displeasure with the help a .410-gauge shotgun.

Despite being a relatively small-bore weapon, prosecutors said her hapless beau suffered “four or five entry and exit wounds” in the neck and shoulders after being shot at virtually point-blank range through a bedroom door.

Which brings us to our second life lesson: A locked bedroom door may not be nearly enough to protect you from a really angry Downers Grove woman.

After discharging the weapon, Podruzek put it back in the garage, smoked a cigarette and returned to the bedroom only to find her boyfriend lying on the floor moaning, “I’m dying, I’m dying.”

Playing dead is always a good move you want to avoid being shot twice.

Finally realizing she’d actually wounded him, Podruzek dialed 911, and the boyfriend will recover—physically if not psychologically.

Our modern day Calamity Jane told police they’d been discussing their relationship and she believed “things were going to change.” But then the dirty dish set her off and she only wanted to “scare him.”

I will admit that any firearm pointed in my general direction would likely scare the you-know-what out of me, but it always pays to remember that only GOP vice presidents can get away with shooting someone in the upper body with a shotgun.

At the risk of being labeled a gender traitor, I’m more than willing to offer all women three equally potent methods of scaring your boyfriend that don’t necessarily involve the repercussions of employing a firearm.

(1) Immediately after spotting that dirty dish, you could look him in the eye and, in an excited voice, say, “Honey! I’m pregnant!” This is especially effective if you’re over 40.

If you utter those three little words while he’s standing on a concrete surface and, if the shock doesn’t immediately kill him, then the fall from fainting probably will. And you walk away scot-free.

(2) If, due to age or other circumstances, that ploy won’t work, then try this: “Honey! Guess what? My mother’s coming to live with us. She loves doing the dishes!” Trust me, there’ll never be another dirty plate in your house—or the one next door.

(3) The next time he goes out, get a couple of neighborhood kids to come over and explain that you want to play a trick on your boyfriend. As soon as he walks in the door, have them leap out, hug him and yell “daddy!”

Now some advice for men with dishwashing issues. I have found that, if you’re willing to take some simple prophylactic measures, you might not find yourself on the business end of shotgun. And if you take other prophylactic measures, she won’t be able to pull the “I’m pregnant” scam on you, either.

(1) Upon finishing your lunch, have the dog lick the plate clean and just put it back in the cupboard. If you don’t have a dog, get one.

(2) Toss the plate in the trash! But then be sure you take the garbage out ASAP. If you’re an especially enterprising sort, go ahead and replace the dirty dish with a new one from a secret stash in your closet.

Be careful here, though! She might be so impressed with your “dishwashing technique” that you end up doing even more dishes and replacing all of them could get expensive.

(3) Buy her a dishwasher, which would be much more romantic than that table saw you got her for Christmas.

This whole silly scenario proves that nothing good ever comes from any woman tying to change any man. It’s just another sad example of the feminization of America.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: Men are happy being men and we’re happy to let women be women, but women want men to be women. You cheerfully agree to marry us, relentlessly try to “fix” us, and then, unhappy with your handiwork, leave us for some macho jerk who treats you like crap ... or you shoot us with a shotgun.

It’s stories like this one that remind me of why my good friend Rob Kelley and I came up with the Ward-Kelley Postulate some years ago. Never even think about cheating on your wife, the Postulate goes, because one woman in your life is more than enough, and two is twice the "joy."

Especially if they're toting shotguns.

Jeff Ward February 24, 2012 at 02:38 PM
Colin, You are a very smart man! Jeff
jaskie1505 February 24, 2012 at 02:44 PM
Funny story. Great job. Assuming the ending "JOY" is doubling of Joy dishwashing soap. LOL
Jeff Ward February 24, 2012 at 02:53 PM
Because she shot him with a shotgun! Man! You have to explain everything to Republicans.
Jeff Ward February 24, 2012 at 02:53 PM
Jaskie, Thanks! I'd like to say I meant that allusion, but it was merely incidental. Jeff
jaskie1505 February 24, 2012 at 03:35 PM
Peteee, I know this will not sink in with you because you have been told this numerous times over your rants on various Patch articles but get a life. Jeff was writing a satirical article poking fun at relationships and the differences between men and women. You think every time someone writes something they are going to bring in all the nonsense you wish them to cover to appease your simple mind. Seriously, now I know why one of your neighbors wrote a while back that they can't stand you as a neighbor. You truly do not know how to lighten up and just enjoy life.
Amber February 24, 2012 at 04:03 PM
peteee363 You are the only one who is saying Republicans are "dumb raciest homophobes"! No where in the story above did he say or imply it! Learn to take a joke!
Ron Burgandy February 24, 2012 at 04:44 PM
Did anyone stop to think that the GOP VP was actually aiming that way? LOL
Ron Burgandy February 24, 2012 at 04:49 PM
As far as this lady is concerned she seems to have a screw loose.
Jeff Ward February 24, 2012 at 04:54 PM
Yo! Guys! This is not a political column. It's about how women should never try to change men because they will only end up in jail. And we don't need changing in the first place! Jeff
cecilia ambutas February 24, 2012 at 05:37 PM
Once again I am wondering how someone using just a screenname is allowed to post comments. When I did that, my comments were removed.
Jello February 24, 2012 at 05:55 PM
Save a life- use paper plates and plastic forks, people!
Gregoir February 24, 2012 at 06:07 PM
I feel like Jeff and Rick Nagel have sort of a Barney Fife / Sheriff Taylor relationship. Jeff doesn't have authority to write about anything larger than local police blotter and school board meetings (one bullet Ward), but he wants to be a bigtime journalist sooooo badly that he can't help but throw out random barbs directed at national politicians I picture Mr. Nagel calling Jeff into his office after some of these articles and making him hand over his bullet.
Jeff Ward February 24, 2012 at 06:09 PM
Roseann, Now, that comment was hilarious! Jeff
Jeff Ward February 24, 2012 at 06:11 PM
Nip it! Nip it! Are you trying to be fasishish - I hate it when you try to be fasishish.
Alberto Principe February 24, 2012 at 06:34 PM
Very funny Jeff.....very funny indeed. You do not even have to do the dishes all of the time, but if you do them every now and then it actually shows that you do not consider your girlfriend/wife as your personal servant. I enjoyed this article quite a bit, even if some of the comments sounded crazy (not pointing at Peteee363).
Jeff Ward February 24, 2012 at 06:40 PM
Alberto, Thanks! And just so you and all the ladies out there know, I am the cook of the household and I clean way better than my wife who mostly leaves it to me. I keep telling her I'm going to auction myself off on ebay. Then she usually makes some remark about having to pay someone to take me. Jeff
Richard R February 24, 2012 at 06:50 PM
I love how people can read an article, lose sight of what they just read, and then fixate (sp) on only one thing said in the article, missing the actual meat and potatoes of said article. Brilliant.........
Kent Frederick February 24, 2012 at 07:00 PM
My mother gave me some sage advice before I even started dating. If my wife asks to do something, do it immediately, unless it is illegal, immoral, or carries a risk of death or bodily injury. Then, I can get back to the football game, reading the paper, or work I brought home from the office. Why? Because the amount of time explaining why I shouldn't have to do it or am too busy to do will be much greater than the time it will take to complete the task. And then I will lose the argument and have to do it anyway.
Christine Cacciatore February 24, 2012 at 07:07 PM
I thought your story was hysterical. People just need to read it for what it is, which is a funny, well written, informative article about how men should hop to when told to get the dishes done correctly or risk serious injury. :) Whatever happened to just giving someone the silent treatment?
jaskie1505 February 24, 2012 at 07:19 PM
Way to go Christine and the others that stated that this is just a fun article. Not everything people write has to be political or is it intended to be political or controversial. This was a fun way to inform people what goes on in Downers Grove on a daily basis. That's why I love Bolingbrook.
Paul L. February 24, 2012 at 07:51 PM
and here I was thinking, just leave out the Pee Stick for him to see.
Richard R February 24, 2012 at 07:58 PM
Ha hahahha. Paul
Jeff Ward February 24, 2012 at 08:42 PM
Christine, Apparently he was trying to give her the silent treatment, but her response was to take out the bedroom door with a shotgun. That's one determined woman. Jeff
Jeff Ward February 24, 2012 at 08:43 PM
Kent, And this explains why you've lived so long! Jeff
Jeff Ward February 24, 2012 at 08:44 PM
Paul, It's a variation, but it most certainly will work! Jeff
Amber February 24, 2012 at 10:24 PM
Nah....I could still cause harm with a plastic fork!!!! LOL ;P
Jeff Ward February 24, 2012 at 10:33 PM
Amber, Why do I believe you? Jeff
Jim February 26, 2012 at 01:46 AM
You mean republicans AREN'T dumb racist homophobes??????
Geronimo February 26, 2012 at 02:07 PM
Does this mean the wedding is off?
Christine February 28, 2012 at 11:33 AM
This was rather funny, but would we be laughing if the story went the other way? If it was a woman a man was trying to change by shooting with a shotgun? I'm old school. I would rather see the dad in Father Knows Best rather than Everybody Loves Raymond.

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