Jeff Ward: C'mon, Geneva! Who Are The Kinks!!??

What the heck are they teaching our kids at Geneva middle and high schools, anyway?

Sure! They cover all that useless math, language arts, science, and history stuff, but what about the more important things, like Paul McCartney was in a band before Wings?

Oh, C’mon! Please don’t tell me you didn’t know Sir Paul was in two groups before becoming a solo artist?

See! This is exactly the kind of thing I’m talking about. How can any well-adjusted adult function in today’s society without the necessary knowledge that David Lee Roth was not Van Halen’s only lead singer.

What prompted this musical trivia tirade you ask? I’ll be happy to tell you!

My neighbor Frederick just got a brand new dog for his middle school daughter Victoria. Unlike my neurotic Australian Cattle Dog who, despite surviving every thunderstorm, thinks the next one’s gonna kill her, Dakota is a calm and friendly beast.

As I was introducing myself to her new pet, I remarked that Victoria was a great name immortalized in song, by one of my favorite groups, The Kinks. Victoria looked at me rather quizzically and asked, “Who are The Kinks?”

I tried to explain they were a major part of the first British Invasion, they were as popular as the Beatles in the late '60s, and their biggest hit was Lola. But despite being a remarkable scholar and athlete, Victoria was not aware of The Kinks' existence.

When her older GHS senior brother Chris, who happens to be my son’s soccer trainer, arrived for a session, I said, “Chris! I can’t believe your sister hasn’t heard Victoria by the Kinks!” And Chris answered, “Who are The Kinks?”

I tried to explain they were a part of the British Invasion, they were as popular as the Beatles, and they had hits like Come Dancing, Sunny Afternoon and You Really Got Me—which was covered by Van Halen.

Despite having just earned his Eagle Scout badge (congratulations, Chris!), he was not aware of The Kinks.

So when I saw Frederick standing outside, I accused him of being derelict in his fatherly duties. “How will your children ever make it through life without knowing about The Kinks?” I pleaded with him.

And Frederick replied, “Who are The Kinks?”

I tried to explain they were part of the '60s British Invasion, that some say Kinks’ guitarist Dave Davies created Heavy Metal when he cut his amplifier’s speakers to get that You Really Got Me distortion, and then I started singing,

I met her in a club down in old Soho
Where you drink champagne
It tastes just like Coca Cola, C-O-L-A cola

but all that did was send every neighborhood cat and dog into the kind of immediate howling frenzy that makes some folks believe an earthquake is imminent.

Though my not-so-dulcet tones didn’t help him remember The Kinds, Frederick made me swear on my sainted mother’s grave that I would never sing anything to him again.

Knowing when I’m beat, I silently wept as I slowly walked home to order a copy of Kinks: The Ultimate Collection for Victoria and Chris. Meanwhile, I’m considering reporting Frederick to DCFS.

Oh, Geez! I just remembered! Now I’m going to have to explain what a CD is.

Thankfully, when I mentioned The Kinks to my equally as sainted Geneva Patch editor, Rick Nagel, he responded, “The Kinks! That was the first concert I ever went to.” Apparently, all is not lost.

But because it appears that the sons and daughters of Geneva will have to rely on Rick and me for a real education, I’m going to pass out a 10-question rock ‘n' roll pop quiz to get the educational ball rolling.

To make the outcome more interesting, we'll throw in some sort of prize, or no-prize in the words of Stan Lee. All you have to do to win is reply with the correct answers in the comments.

Before you get ahead of yourselves, since I know y’all are gonna cheat by looking up the answers, I will put the successful entry screen names in a hat and Frederick will have unique the honor of picking ONE lucky winner.

The winner must provide his or her real name (privately) along with a code word which I will pass on to Graham’s.

So without further ado, let’s begin:

1. Derek and Dominoes' biggest hit was Layla. Who is the real life “Layla?”
2. In chronological order, name the FOUR separate (no duplication) Van Halen lead singers.
3. Where did Nirvana get the song title, Smells Like Teen Spirit?
4. Where did lead singer Jim Morrison get the name for The Doors?
5. What famous British rocker had to change his last name because of the immense popularity of ?
6. Paul McCartney, in that band before Wings, wrote a song called Hey Jude. Who’s Jude?
7. What name did blues artist B.B. King bestow upon his signature Gibson guitar?
8. Who sings backup on Dire Staits’ Money for Nothing?
9. What is the ironic name of the only ZZ Top member who doesn’t sport long facial hair?
10. Aside from the Beatles, the Rolling Stones, The Who and The Kinks, name three other original British Invasion bands. I’ll be glad all over if you can come up with one of my favorites.

Other than the Van Halen frontman who was there for the blink of an eye, you should be able to answer the rest of ‘em with no problem whatsoever. I can’t wait to see what you come up with!

Geneva parents! You have to set aside some time to inform your children of just how important The Kinks were. They set the stage for that harder edged '70s rock ‘n' roll. What are your kids really going to remember when they’re 40? Quadratic equations or Waterloo Sunset?

As for me, despite my promise to Frederick, I’ll be singing these lyrics all week,

And the rich were so mean
Stately homes for the Lords
Croquet lawns, village greens
Victoria was my queen
Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, 'toria

It doesn't get any better than that!