Mike Donahue: Municipal Mindset Syndrome (MMS), a 'Ward-Borne' Disease

Reporting live from east of Randall Road, where a new municipal mindset malady has set in affecting the judgment of elected officials throughout the county’s urban corridor.

That’s right my friends, a new insidious syndrome, a , , has affected municipal and county elected officials representing areas east of the county’s largest Strategic Regional Arterial.

Symptoms include an inexplicable impulse to write foolhardy things in public, an over-exaggerated sense of self-importance, and an entitlement mentality when it comes to the use of taxpayers’ money.

Dr. Jeff Ward, a pre-eminent journalist and self-proclaimed expert who recently discovered the disease in , recently diagnosed me with MMS, which, he implies, is potentially life-threatening to politicians.

According to Dr. Ward, MMS only affects elected officials east of Randall Road, where our exposure to municipal layers of government diminishes our capacity to appreciate the value of taxpayers’ money. This is largely due to the exaggerated sense of self-importance one gets by living in these areas. It’s a dire and circular set of circumstances that can only be broken by examining one’s self in a mirror.

Unable to predict just how long I might have left to live, Dr. Ward snapped off his rubber glove and wrote me a prescription for self-examination twice daily in front of a full-length mirror. I asked if was necessary to do it in the nude, and he insisted that it was. Only such raw self-examination, he proclaimed, would disclose the symptoms fully to me and would thus allow me to begin the slow and painful process of self-healing.

Not one to question a figure of authority, I began my therapy immediately. Laid bare now in front of the reflective pane, I can honestly say that I did not like what I saw. Fifty years of life east of Randall Road had taken its toll.

The sad truth began to emerge. Clearly, I write foolhardy things in public. In fact, I’m doing it now.

I must also have on over-exaggerated sense of self-importance because I am a politician and all politicians have an over-exaggerated sense of self-importance. Plus, my residency east of Randall Road is a contributing factor.

Now, dejected and convinced that I have a terminal illness, I peered deep into the mirror, deep into my soul, looking for the dreaded third symptom—entitlement; that air of superiority, power, and arrogance that comes with comes with elected office and breeds a general disdain for taxpayers and their money.

I searched for hours, looking all the way to the very core of my being, and all I could come up with is … . That’s right, roosters, those loud obnoxious male chickens whose rights I’ve worked tirelessly to protect as a member of the county’s Development Committee. Anyone who cares so deeply about such beastly birds cannot possibly be plagued with entitlement, and therefore, it follows, cannot possibly be diagnosed with MMS.

Dr. Ward was right, hours of self-examination would indeed lead to a cure, and I found it in a chicken coop on a rural estate lot west of Randall Road. How ironic is that?

I can’t wait for my follow up appointment with Dr. Ward to share the good news.