A friend of mine put one of those silly platitudinous posts defending Duck Dynasty dingbat Phil Robertson (see adjoining photo) up on facebook and I just can’t take it any more. In fact, I’m so bleeping fed up with righteously indignant and perpetually persecuted “Christians” that I’d rather be forced to watch Mayor Burns attempt yet another sad City Council comedy routine than have to listen to them whine again.
If you don’t already know what Phil Robertson did or said, please avail yourself of any Internet news outlet. The great thing about no longer being a columnist is I don’t have to explain things to the likes of you anymore.
So here's why every “standing up for your Christian beliefs” argument I’ve ever heard falls frighteningly flat.
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First, for something supposedly so important, Jesus never said a bleepin’ word about homosexuality. Either he musta had a bad testament or it simply never came up. The truth is, we have to go back to the old testament where the subject is only briefly addressed.
And if good "Christians" are going to “believe in the Bible,” well...there are a few other things they might also want to consider. Because according to that same old testament, if you eat shellfish you’re going straight to hell. I truly hope, for the sake of your soul, none of you have been to the Commons’ Long John Silver.
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Not only that, but if you dare to wear mixed fibers, you’re also going down. And I daresay I've seen more than one Christian completely adorned in really bad polyester.
Have you ever touched a pig, or, God forbid a pork chop? If you have...
If you’re divorced, you’re also on the highway to hell and with the current divorce rate hovering at around 50 percent, that’s an awful lot of burning Christians. So where is all the outrage and condemnation against once-married folk?
Personally, I wanna see those holier than thou Hobby Lobby folks start checking marital status at the door. And if you’re already on nuptials number two, no cheap Chinese crap for you!
Have you ever read a horoscope? The Bible’s pretty clear on that outcome. Tattoos? Don't even think about it. Certain haircuts? I wouldn’t risk it!
So we really have two choices here. 1. Either we have to consider the Bible as a guide that, being occasionally flawed, requires the application of historical context and reason, or 2. It's an absolute mandate and you better damned well follow every tenet to the letter or you will be damned.
You see, I generally don't have a problem with someone’s belief system as long as they're consistent within that belief system. But it seems to me that most “Christians” simply pick and choose what biblical caveats suit them. And that’s my problem with our rabid Phil advocates.
Lastly, no one abridged Phil Robertson's God-given American right to be incredibly stupid. (His history of patently racist comments bothers me far more than the absurd vagina versus anus debate.) No government agency came after him, he isn’t charged with a crime, and he’s certainly not sitting in prison. What he did was insult a portion of A&E's audience and his bosses called him on the carpet for it.
If you really sit in solidarity with Phil, here’s what I want all you good Christians to do come Monday morning. In the spirit of the First Amendment and being truthful, please tell your boss he’s not very smart, his wife is fat, and his kids are butt ugly. While I’m sure you believe it and you’re only telling the truth, you’d probably have one less job.
No one ever said free speech came without consequences.
