Dan Rutherford Didn't Do It!

Can someone please tell me why every middle-aged straight guy thinks they’re every gay guy’s dream? Anyone?

The reason I bring this up now is because I firmly believe that most male homophobia is rooted in an irrational fear of being “recruited” and/or propositioned if they dare to get too close to one of 'em.

Well I’ve got news for you guys, considering the general state of the 40 to 50-something straight male population, rest assured, you have nothing to worry about. The odds of any self-respecting gay male coming on to you are about the same as getting that steamy Scarlett Johansson text message you’ve been expecting.

It just ain’t gonna happen!

Should you choose to doubt my shrewd assessment, please visit any gay bar on any Friday or Saturday night. I guarantee you’ll still be sitting by yourself at 4 a.m.

But back to the issue at hand.

When the then “unknown” accuser charged Illinois GOP gubernatorial candidate Dan Rutherford with  some untoward behavior, even I had my doubts. But then I saw the former Treasurer staffer’s photograph, and I immediately knew the allegations were false because, holy crap, Dan Rutherford can do a hell of a lot better than this!

Not that I’m any prize, but being generous, Edmund Michalowski is the kind of non-descript, balding, slightly overweight, sagging, pasty white guy that would fit right into a suburban TGI Fridays’ weekend crowd. He’s hardly the stuff of Whitman-esque love poetry

And if that isn’t good enough for you, our plaintiff had a number of strikes against him even before we gazed upon his gleaming visage.

He can’t seem to get by on six-figure salary, he’s had more government jobs than Rahm Emanuel, he recently declared bankruptcy, he’s getting a divorce, he tried extortion before going public during a tight gubernatorial race, and his very own travel vouchers undercut his story (these details are all over the web if you’re interested).

And just how does this nondescript guy land yet another plum job with the Cook County Recorder of Deeds in the middle of this vast political bleepstorm? Mayor Emanuel might be able to answer that question!

And please, please, please don’t try to tell me that uber-arrogant bleep Bruce Rauner had nothing to do with this because he had everything to do with this.

C’mon! Rauner, who’s certainly no idiot, craftily concocted this ploy to place Rutherford squarely into the worst of all catch-22s. It doesn’t matter if Dan denies or ignores these allegations, the sexuality question remains.

Now, greater political minds than mine have pondered how to (or not to) respond to this kind of scurrilous attack, but my theory has always been to own it and thus, deprive your opponent of their momentum and turn it right back around on them.

Who gives a flying bleep if Rutherford is gay? It’s 2014 and he’s the only candidate who can put Pat Quinn out of our collective misery. If he isn’t gay, the fact that he hasn’t married at 57 only proves he’s far smarter than the rest of us doomed heterosexual males who, if we had it to do all over again…

Please also note that I’ve previously spoken with Treasurer at length, and Michalowski’s claim that Rutherford responded to a rebuffed overture with, “You just said no the Treasurer,” is something he wouldn’t say on his worst day. Apparently Ed has watched one too many episodes of The Real Housewives of  Orange County.

Then there’s the fact that sexual harassment is always a pattern of behavior and no one has come forward with anything remotely like this in Rutherford’s lengthy and generally clean political career.

So while I would encourage Mr. Michalowski to continue indulging in the belief that he’s every gay man’s fantasy because the heterosexual thing clearly isn’t workin’ out for him, perhaps we’d all be better off if he kept it to himself.

The bottom line is this. Anyone who falls for this BS and votes for Rauner will get exactly what they deserve – Pat Quinn!