I despise winter. Not in the sense that I hate Christmas, or Hanukkah, or New Year's, or any of the other holidays for that matter. I just hate everything that comes after the holidays. Late January, February, even a little of March wears just a little bit too much on my leftover Christmas spirit.
Let's be real for a moment: Jan. 2 is probably one of the worst days of the year. Adults are hung over, children are slowly retrieving the horrifying schoolyard memories blocked out from the natural turkey chemicals, and Christmas decorations all of a sudden become signs on your patio that say "PARK YOUR TRAILER HERE." No one wants to take those Christmas lights down. Heck, those are festive and took three hours to put up. They’re friendly and inviting. It’s a shame no one realizes just how disgusting their house looks under bright incoherent Christmas patterns without any holiday cheer to back it up.
The dread that fills my soul for the impending doom that is Jan. 2 is equivalent to the sheer wonder that fills me when I put the Christmas decorations up in the first place. It's as though the foolish child putting up Christmas ornaments on the tree on Dec. 2 and the learned man who takes all those ornaments down on Jan. 2 were created as inversions of each other.
"Oh, ma-ma!" The inner child in me said Dec. 2. "Do you remember the wonderful trip to the Grand Canyon we took? Oh, and the snow there! It was so beautiful—a perfect Christmas experience! This beautiful mountain ornament is a beautiful keepsake!"
And then Jan. 2 comes to destroy both families AND holiday cheer.
"Who even goes to the Grand Canyon? Better yet, who spends FIVE DOLLARS on an ornament?”
The cheer is gone, and everyone hates each other again. Welcome to winter. Yes, beyond those presents, bell-ringing Santas, menorahs and that mystery called Kwanzaa lies snow plows, crushed hopes of snow days, car accidents and wind chills so outrageous that even Jack Frost was like, "That's probably a little too cold, bro."
The people who say they thoroughly enjoy winter—and that's all season winter—are in one of the following categories:
1. Love the holidays
2. Love snow
3. Do not have to do any work to clean up
Winter is basically a time when everyone tries to serve up New Year’s resolutions, eventually giving up, crying, and moving on. It's when the more spoiled children return their fourth iPad for Best Buy store credit and everyone pretends to be surprised every time your annoying neighbor named Brenda brags, in the exact same voice as in the commercial, "He went to Jared!" all the while waving around her disgusting Pandora bracelet filled with the least impressive charms available in the Kohl's jewelry section. (Note to Brenda: No, your son didn't go to Jared.)
Don't think I'm being a Debby Downer, because after the holidays, snow turns to slush, Santa turns back into a drunken uncle, and homeless people stop being cute and continue to become picky when you give them a choice of a dollar or sandwich.
Winter needs to do a better job at not sucking after the holidays. I mean, after New Year's, what exactly is there to look forward to? Valentine’s Day? Come on, man.
Enjoy your holidays for as long as you can, people, because Global Warming is definitely not going to save you from plowing snow, ripping down the Christmas lights Brenda insisted on putting on every tree in the neighborhood, and vacuuming the pine needles off of your living room floor for the fourteen-thousandth time.
Do what you can to pick up your winter season—play with those gifts from Christmas forever, hire a guy to do all your packing and shoveling for you, and together, we can survive the non-holiday portion of winter together. Because after the holidays, your festivities become less about world peace and more about survival of the fittest. Or, I guess if we’re speaking about winter, survival of the fattest. Happy holidays, and for all those people with resolutions they are POSITIVE they are going to carry out: Good luck with that.