It's not just teachers and counselors that have to deal with this. Cops are dealing with it too. Too many times, teens and pre-teens are caught red-handed and escorted home to mommy and daddy only to be threatened by said mommy and daddy for "picking on our child." Then they start throwing out lawyers' names and threatening to sue. Parents need to start being parents (it's long overdue) ... they're not doing their child(ren) or society any favors.

Dani,

I never thought of the possible police angle. Good point!

Jeff

Great Topic. I have been educating young adults for over twenty years now and one of the greatest gifts it has given me is that it has helped me to become a better parent. I experience on a daily basis living breathing examples of amazing and less than amazing parenting styles. Whoever came up with the phrase "The apple doesn't fall far from the tree" hit the nail on the head. It doesnt take long, sitting in a parent conference, to figure out which tree bore the precious fruit. Although I could list quite a few examples of parents who have difficulty holding their kids accountable, one of my favorites is a teacher who called a parent to discuss an incident where their child was blatantly copying answers from a student next to them during a test. The parent proceeded to blame the teacher for placing their child next to a person they could copy off of. Ouch! Fortunately, I have experienced great parents far more often than those whose judgement is lacking. Parenting is the most dificult and most important job any person could be lucky enough to have.

Thomas,

It's funny. You hear these stories and maybe half believe them because they sound like exaggerated urban myths. But then you find yourself in a position to experience it firsthand and it blows you away.

God bless teachers!

Jeff

Great topic Jeff.

The notion that we have to protect our kids from fear, failure, disappointment, and emotional pain does them no service. The only way to learn to deal with life in the real world is to deal with life in the real world. The only way to learn to achieve is to have to strive, fail, strive again until you succeed. I believe that most of us learn far more from failure than success.

If we don't begin to learn that early we may never learn it at all.

I'm on an advisory council for a private high school on the north shore. Many of the 400 students who attend are "privileged". Tuition is well over $30,000 a year.

Academic standards are exceptionally high, the rules are strict, extra curricular requirements are challenging. There are no "gimmies". If a student is caught in a major infraction (alcohol or drugs, sex, etc.) it's expulsion. No refunds.

Still, the atmosphere at the school is very positive, supportive, and success oriented.

The school has far more applicants than they can accept. The attrition rate is quite low. The kids tend to thrive in this atmosphere and go on to do well in college and in life.

Interesting.

Thanks Jeff for writing about this. Working at the elementary level, I do see it all the time. My favorite is the kids who are too sick to come to school, but amazingly enough are able to show up for their classroom party, after school event or better yet the ever popular fun fair! Of course a child will request to go to the fun stuff, but it is a parents job to say no when it is really not in their best interest health wise. If they are too sick to come to school, they are too sick to be at an event.

I can't tell you how many calls I receive stating their child "insisted" they be able to come to school despite a parents better judgement. Just say "NO", you are the parent. Why is that so hard. Has our skin become so thin that we can't bear for our children to be mad at us. Life isn't fair, it isn't always pleasant and their will be disappointments and failures. But those are the things we learn from, those are the things that strengthen our soul, and those are the times when as a parent we open our arms and say this too will pass.
In the words of the Rolling Stones. " You can't always get what you want. You can try sometimes, you still might find....You get what you need."

Jeff,

Something tells me some of these entitled children of 10-12 years ago are now part of the Occupy Chicago demonstrations, holding up traffic in downtown Chicago. I'm guessing their entitled parents are joining them in these marches (lol!).

interesting thought. I have two kids, one in middle school and one in high school. Both have come home and told me stories that have made me concerned for the future generation ( I know, I know just like every generation before me ) It seems that teachers and other supervisors are unwilling or unable to discipline the unruly children to the detriment of the children who really want to learn.

My middle schooler was complaining about outright insubordination on the part of the students to the teacher in one of her classes that happened on a daily basis. The entire year nothing was done to these kids to stop them. She loved the teacher and subject but dreaded the class. My high schooler has similar stories.

They both comment about line jumping and pushing other kids in line in the cafeteria being totally ignored and have mentioned several times about kids stealing food from the cafeteria and the lunch ladies just watching them doing it.

If they are being so blatant about their behavior it is a pretty good indication that these children have a strong sense of invulnerability to discipline.

Wonder why that is?

I was being a little sardonic in my statement. Sorry if I was not clear enough.

Of course they can get away with it. I do not think I am an overly strict parent but my kids know that if ever I am called into the office at school, they are not getting a free ride out of there.

Since they know that, they behave accordingly. I have never been called in.

My neighbors child is in the office weekly. His mother does not believe in punishing him because it would "crush his spirit". Yet, week after week, there he sits.

Jeff, I know I'm getting off topic. I'm guessing we probably don't see eye-to-eye on a lot of political issues. Although I agree with some of the Tea Party's fundamental core principles, I'm neither a fan, nor would I ever join the Tea Party movement. But to the best of my knowledge, whenever Tea Partiers have held demonstrations, they haven't held up traffic, defacated on sidewalks or shouted insults at individuals who are simply going to work. (There have been numerous reports of all this occurring during the Occupy Wall Street protests.)

I remember my daughter's first middle school parent/teacher conference. I sat down with the "team" and the first question to me was, "Why are you here? Your daughter is doing great." I thought that was odd--I'd wanted to meet her teachers and get a feel for their teaching styles. I guess they were used to the confrontational type parents who always said their little angels would NEVER do anything bad. Too many parents buy into the 'constant praise' way of raising their kids--or the 'my kid is my buddy' method rather than REAL parenting. I suspect those kids ARE the OCCUPY folks--expecting constant gratification for mediocre or even lousy performance--and expecting someone else to SERVE them and expecting they can continue doing what they please with no consequences.

Good column Jeff, but when you commented about Republicans (in the following comments) you really jumped the shark. Like was said in old tv shows, JUST THE FACTS. Just a suggestion--stick to the subject and hold off on your natural inclination to insert your usual snarky political stuff next time.

Oh Jeff--again, jumping the shark. What don't you understand about what's really going on with the Occupy folks?
Check this: http://nation.foxnews.com/occupy-wall-street/2011/11/17/ows-thugs-threaten-small-children-follow-those-kids
or this: http://www.frugal-cafe.com/public_html/frugal-blog/frugal-cafe-blogzone/2011/10/11/disgusting-ows-man-poops-on-police-car-charles-krauthammer-weighs-in-on-the-moronic-anti-capitalist-occupy-wall-street-protestors-video/
or this: http://shakaama.blogspot.com/2011/10/guy-poops-on-us-flag-at-occupy-wall.html
or this: http://955glo.com/occupy-seattle-protester-seen-pooping-on-sidewalk-video/

How about all the people just trying to get to work who were threatened and harassed? Legitimate protest is one thing, but come on....

Jeff, Jeff, Jeff....didn't you ever go to Sea World. Shame on you for dissing sharks.....

They serve a useful purpose....

I have seen and been on the receiving end of PDCES, but I've seen even more of the following scenario.

I experienced most (not all) teachers telling parents not to worry, and the teachers not having a plan for improvement, when the child gets a "2" in elementary school or a "c" or "d" in middle school. I am concerned, the teachers and administration are not concerned. Mediocre performance is not met with concern. I cannot tell you how many times I have heard, "They are within the average range."

I am grateful for the teachers who do take the time to be concerned and lay out an improvement plan.

Jeff, I'm 100 percent behind the Occupy movement's right to assemble. In your ST piece, you used the term "generally peaceful protests" more than once which, to me, implies there is nontheless a small percentage of Occupy demonstators who are likely engaging in behavior I outlined in my previous post and are not demonstrating peacefully. Sending in state troopers and riot police into a situation like this, to me, is overreacting. And there are certainly examples in the 1960s, which you correctly pointed out (Chicago, 1968) where law enforcement went way beyond its authority and beat up, or in the sad case of Kent State, killed protestors. That said, if there are a certain percentage of, in this case, Occupy movement protestors (however small that percentage) who are not demonstrating peacefully, who are defacing public property and/or are harassing everyday citizens minding their own business, doesn't the mayor of that city have a right -- and I would argue, the duty -- to restore order?

Jeff based on your previous article's I'm not sure how you'll take this but I think you'd really like Ayn Rand's Atlas Shrugged. You wrote
"self-esteem can never come from an external source",
" paralyzing fear of success" and people "terrified of someone toppling the house of cards they’ve so carefully built, become enablers by doing anything to protect that illusion". You're describing her "looter" mentality. I think if you give our society a hard look you'll see that this behavior extends well beyond the schools.

short story-my 4 yr. old grandson is running around Costco and is in the way of a lady. She stands aside and waits for him to stop moving (never happens). I smilel as I remove him from her path and tell her just say "move kid". "Oh no" says she. "I'm a teacher and we can get in trouble for telling a child what to do". A voice behind me chimes in with "that's right, I'm also a teacher and you can't just tell other peoples kids what to do". I picked my chin up off the floor and told them if they ever encounterd my grandchild in class they would need to tell him what to do. Another story: My now 48 yr. old son was doing poorly in a class. I asked the teacher why and he told me the kid sleeps in class. I said "wake him up!" He said he couldn't because a lot of people get attorneys and sue. I think lawyers have made teachers paranoid. Now, when I was a kid, many many teachers were bullies, full of their own power and that needed to be fixed but for teachers to have to fear their students and parents has to be crippleing. Another note: I am one of those parents that over praised an under achiever and I can tell you that what happened is word for word what your friend and education consultant said would happen. We thought we were just encouraging them to not give up. My grandson participates in man activities and the coaches tell him he's great. At age 6, he believes them and heck so do I! I guess when he doesn't make the team in high school it will be the dumb coaches fault.

When my kids were in grade school they complained that I was a "mean mom" because I held them to standards of behavior and liberally used the word "no". As they reached their teens, they started looking around at their peers' behavior and commenting on how the parents hadn't done a very good job. Now I'm viewed in a more favorable light....

Excellent piece, Jeff. I'm in 100% agreement, especially on self-esteem, which is really the central point of this entire disastrous story you chronicle so well.

We can't give our kids self-esteem, it has to be earned. Which is exactly why it has any value at all: because it reflects accomplishment. But as you note, so many people have bought into the crazy attitude (sorry, but it is) that by making things easier for our kids, and shielding them from difficulties and obstacles, and pretending that life is free of challenges and disappointments, we are helping our kids instead of hurting them. In fact, it is the main point of a very interesting and provocative book I'm reading right now: "The Price of Privilege". Highly recommended.

Regarding pay, teachers in District 41 received pay increases totaling 24.5% over the past four years. Do you know anyone, anywhere who received pay raises remotely similar to that?

Jeff, I agree with you on your thoughs about the guy on wall street. It makes me ill to think about the freddie/fannie thing also. Or the clowns that were responsible for giving out home loans to couples who make 50,000 a year for a 200,000 mortagage. They made millions and want bonuses now right? All I am saying is that if a teacher makes 90,000 a year for less than 9 months of work, they should be thankful. I am in the private sector and work a full 12 months a year, if i am lucky i get 3 weeks off a year. I have my own 401k and thats my retirement. Please don't sit there and tell me teachers are underpaid. Again, they picked there field. They need to stop whining and do there jobs or hit the streets if they think the private sector is better. Period!!!!!

Sorry, I was typing too fast...."Nurture Shock"

Mr. Ward is in some main stream media based utopia. It's the whacky liberal parents who you write about not Republican. I agree with Mike on this one. While your article rings true, your accusations against Republican's is unfounded. Keep on writing your left wing nut job untruths.

Chad, Many of todays problems that we are faced with our due to horrible mismanagement of banks/mortage companies. But karen is right, get back to the main point here which is parents taking more responsibility for there kids. Lets face it, you are always going to have parents who do not know how to parent at all. It is a shame to say, but there are parents that I know that had no business having kids to begin with. I can tell you my first hand experience with a high school out west. Name not mentioned. My youngest daughter who is now 24 years old and has turned out to be a pretty good person and now new mother was a handfull in High school. She skipped a lot of school. One day I got a call from the school to tell me that she had missed so many days and that she needed to get to school. I being a divorced father and who lives 20 plus miles away had to deal with this. I told this school counselor that i would take care of it. But I asked him, what can you do to help. He said nothing. Then when I told him that what my kid needed was a good old fashion spanking, holy smokes he about had a cow. He said, you better not do that. Here lies the problem my friends. This new generation of kids are spolied and in most cases do not get the disipline they should get. By the way, I went to this same school, class of 78. I could honeslty say 90% of my teachers did not care about any of there students. They cared about there classes and going home.

Jeff--you are SO PREDICTABLE....classic--somehow blaming conservatives/Republicans for whatever problem you carp about in your columns. Creative fella--you always manage to weave in your contempt for all that is Republican in everything you write. It's really kind of pathetic. Try writing something without the attack lines. Again, the original premise of the column was good and probably something many of us have witnessed and expressed concern about. Can you possibly NOT be such a jerk sometimes? Give it a try! Might be kind of refreshing. I'm sure it would be to the readers.

Jeff you are a tool and I am sad that we have American's who think as you do. I am moving to Texas!! IL is a bunch of loonies.

Since everyone else has chimed in, I will, too. From what I have seen over the past
thirty years, some parents have given up RAISING their kids to become "PALS" with them ("No discipline, because my child might not 'like' me anymore!" ) The kids run wild, and everyone else is expected to tolerate it while suffering with it.
I think some of these parents never really wanted kids. I think they had them for the same reason they "just had to have" a new Mercedes or Lexus: because their
friends or neighbors had one and they did not want to feel "left out."
They expect the teachers to raise the kids for them, but their guilt complex surfaces when the kid faces school discipline for being disruptive or violent. Thus, the problem automatically becomes everyone else's fault.

Although I'm very liberal, I disagree that conservatives "are the worst." For the most part this is a non-political issue, but I have noticed that on the contrary, a lot of young kids with conservative parents behave more politely and show more respect than kids of liberals. I think it has something to do with conservative (and Christian) values, such as respect for authority figures and a desire to conform (ex., Chad calling liberals "whacky"). On the other hand, liberals tend to value creativity, originality, and the questioning authority and the status quo. Although I've noticed that the well-disciplined kids with conservative parents sometimes are easier to deal with, they tend to be more rebellious as they get older, and are often the school-bully. Liberal's kids are often more interesting (whacky?), mature, and creative as they get older. Wouldn't it be nice if we can meet somewhere in the middle with both our child-raising and our politics?

I have to say that, as a parent who really wants to encourage my children to work to the best of their abilities, the way things are set up today, particularly for academics, doesn't help me at all.

Gone are the days of A, B, C, D, F. As it stands now, my children will not see any of those letters, except the occasional A, until high school. Right now, our District used "Standards Based Report Cards" and my children get either A: Advanced Meeting of the Standard, M: Meets the Standard, P: Progressing Toward Meeting the Standard, or NM: Not Meeting the Standard. All the way through 8th grade!

Here's the rub. Take Math; you can only get an "A" if you earn a 99 or 100% on the Standard. You earn an "M" for 85 - 98%". You earn a "P" for 66% to 84% and an NM for anything below that.

That means, to me, that you can go all the way from a solid/high A to a solid/middling B and get the same grade. You can earn a middle B through - in my day - a failing grade, and get a P.

Already, in 3rd grade, my child realizes that what's required is perfection - for an A - or if not, she can work her hardest and get an M, or she can rush through and make several careless errors and get . . . an M. Or even more frustrating to me, she can get the equivalent of an 84% and her report card reflects the same grade as someone else who got a 68%.

Maybe it's my problem and not hers, since she doesn't know anything different, but I can't stand it. There's no "job well done" reward anymore.

Love the title of the article. It sums up the way many children are raised today. When I was young and in school, I knew that if I got in trouble in school, the punishment at home would be much worse. Through the years, I have attended my son's parent teacher conferences bracing myself for the "positive" remarks. I know my kid is a nice kid, a joy to have in class, has a great sense of humor......get to the point. How is he doing in class and what can he do to improve? My son opens doors for people, thanks those who help him out and is respectful of authority. It was my responsibility as a parent to teach him to do that. I do not expect teachers/administrators to teach him those values. I do expect them to build upon them by giving him the knowledge he will need to be successful in this world. Real knowledge, not false praise.

Kelly, I have seen the salaries of teachers that are available on a website, and follow the news, patch, local media outlaets, etc etc. Teachers whine about there pay. Maybe some do not. Anyway, back to the subject at hand about kids and schools.
Oh, chad, I will help jeff pay for your ride to texas. The only decent politician to ever come out of that state chad was a democrat. LBJ!!!
Chad, I have read your comments on other subjects on patch, Texas needs you. Please go.

Crazy libs in this state.

Back to the subject at hand!! I tell my kids everyday, if you like me or you think of me as your "friend" I am doing something wrong!!! I am so tired of spoiled, rude and disrespectful children!! Parents need to stop being selfish and spend more time mentoring and guiding their children to be "good" people. Having the best clothes, all the travel sports and being popular will only get you so far in the real world. Such a disservice is being done...