How the West Siders Won!

Spurred on by the eloquent prose of Geneva Patch reader Colin C. Campbell—and you all know I don’t need much spurring—I think it’s time to expound on my previous brief musings on the inherent inferiority of East Side Genevans.

In response to those initial thoughts on the subject, Colin wrote, “When we lived here in the '50s, there was real enmity between East and West siders. We were always preparing for the 'Big Battle' in the middle of the bridge. Now it's become all namby-pamby, with the occasional reference but nothing really serious. Maybe we can bring back the good old days. See you guys Saturday night on the bridge!!!”

It’s gratifying to know we have at least one other clear-thinking Genevan who’s willing to set the record straight!

So! Since I refuse to let anyone in this glorious city be accused of any kind of “namby-pambyness” (even East Siders) and in the spirit of my new hero Charlie Sheen, we West Siders are, “Tired of pretending like we’re not special. We’re tired of pretending like we’re not bitchin’, total freakin’ rock stars from Mars.” That’s right! We are, indeed, “winning!”

C’mon! Arguing with the natural order of things is an exercise in futility. Just like dogs are superior to cats, we West Siders are taller, better looking and have more hair. Wait a minute … I stand corrected. Some East Side women do sport better beards.

Then there’s those thick East Side accents. Nobody west of the river can understand a bloody thing you’re saying. We just figure you’re complaining about having to be an East Sider.

West Siders are clearly cleverer than their East Side counterparts if for no other reason than, if they had higher IQs, they wouldn’t live on the East Side!

Our downtown is west of the river. All the good stores are west of the river. We have Urban Grille, Ju Rin, and Gratto’s while you have McDonald's—which works out well because East Siders consider a Big Mac to be haute cuisine.

A la Colin, I’ve considered placing armed guards at the Route 38 bridge to keep you all where you belong, but that would deprive you desperate East Siders of the unique privilege of gazing upon our fine West Side countenances and wishing you were just like us. Although, East Side passports might not be a bad idea.

Yes! I did previously say some of my best friends are East Siders, but that was only out of pity. The truth is, the only reason we put up with you is that life is far better when you have someone upon whom you can regularly cast disparaging glances. It’s fun to have someone to blame for every last one of the world's ills. The gulf oil spill and Justin Bieber? East Siders!

Both middle schools, the high school and all but one elementary school are west of the river because without our selfless guidance, East Siders would never be able to find them. Of course, we threw you a bone with Harrison because one of you might finally figure out how to use your phone and call an attorney. It’s so sad to see an East Sider screaming into his cell phone earpiece.

To be fair, we do have the Eagle Brook subdivision and, as far as I can tell, every single School Board member lives on the West Side (one board member even lives in Eagle Brook!) which does drop us down a few notches. Ah, well! What fun would absolute perfection be? Even West Siders need something to aspire to.

We have Fresh Market, you have Aldi. We have Delnor, you have … We have Randall Road and you have, um… Give me a few minutes—I’m sure I’ll think of something. Oh yeah! The sewage treatment plant!

Besides Patch columnist Kyla Keime, who clearly aspires to be just like me—her hero—what self-respecting famous folk have ever, above a despairing whisper, admitted they were an East Side Genevan? Of course, the West Side proudly claims this nationally revered and future Pulitzer Prize winning columnist as their own!

You East Siders are pompous blowhards that overuse hyperbole, use ignorant words like “ain’t,” think you’re a lot funnier than you really are, begin sentences with conjunctions like “and” and “but,” and prattle on endlessly about inconsequential subjects like dog poop, $400 baseball bats and the superiority of some folks over others.

But what further proof of our outright superiority does any East Sider need than the fact that some aldermen actually come from the East Side of the river!

So! This Saturday night we’ll settle this thing once and for all! We’ll call it the brawl on the bridge. I’ll be the one hiding behind Colin.

Editor's note: Jeff's original column was littered with grammatical and spelling errors. The mistakes are now corrected, thanks to the editor, a Geneva East Sider.